The Turning

THE TURNING

by Rowan Mangan

I.
My sweet darlings,
however did you stay afloat for so long
and never suspect you were
built to breathe underwater?

Why did you never toss thoughts
around in three dimensions,
never loose them like dragonflies
into the deep sky?

How could you fear falling?
Didn’t you see the spiders
stringing safety nets
across the earth every day, just in case?

II.
Instead, you tore at this world, and I watched.
I felt the air’s grim thickening, saw the waters rise.
You were huddled at the precipice—at the very brink,
my loves—and still bellowing for more.

What crucial inspiration turned you at the last?
I’ll never know what broke over you,
and with what calamity, clamor
or grace—

but when you knelt, as one, it was a mighty sight.
You placed your hunger on the ground
and left it to lie among the gadgetry of old logics,
beside the corpses of cruelty and greed.

You were exquisite to me then, long-legged and bright-eyed,
built of gravel and stardust; oh,
my sweet, funny loves. My unfurling galaxy, my
pebble-scatter of promises.

III.
And so we came to the age of the great unbuilding,
where everyone’s name is stillness.
Here, day gathers you into the deep magic of play.
Here, night powders you with the ancient magic of rest.

It’s a time of dragonflies.

So be soft in your hearts, dear hearts,
for we are all cast shining and short-lived into the sky—
And allow your face to take the shape of wonder
when your children ask again to hear the tale

of the time you almost broke the world.

Who You Are

Who You Are
by Danna Faulds

Who you are is so much more than what you do.
The essence, shining through the heart, soul, and center, the bare and bold truth of you does not lie in your to-do list. You are not just at the surface of your skin, not just the impulse to arrange the muscles of your face into a smile or a frown, not just boundless energy, or bone wearying fatigue. Delve deeper. You are divinity; the vast and open sky of spirit. It’s the light of God, the ember at your core, the passion and the presence, the timeless, deathless essence of you that reaches out and touches me. Who you are transcends fear and turns suffering into liberation. Who you are is love.

Moments

Moments
– Mary Oliver

There are moments that cry out to be fulfilled.

Like, telling someone you love them.

Or giving your money away, all of it.

Your heart is beating, isn’t it?

You’re not in chains, are you?

There is nothing more pathetic than caution

when headlong might save a life,

even, possibly, your own.

In an Instant

I think at some point everyone questions whether or not they are making the right decisions in life. And I don’t mean whether or not to go blonde or buy that purse that costs more than it should. I mean the big life decisions. Whether or not to buy a house, have a baby, get married, move to another state, start a new job. Decisions that literally change your life. How can you not agonize over these things? Actually, no I take that back. I know people who don’t worry about any of these things. They decided long ago how their life was going to go and they just follow that path without question. I envy them. I’m an over-thinker. I’ve probably mentioned that a time or two. My over-thinking problem actually affects the flow of my life from time to time. I wonder if over-thinking can be considered an addiction or a disease. If so, can someone please come up with a medication for that? Preferably not one with that long list of possible side effects that end every drug commercial. Oh wait, there is something already, it’s called wine.

When I was in my twenties I had an amazing friend who was a bit older than me and much wiser. She would always laugh at the madness I wrought upon myself when I was struggling to figure out my next step in life. She reminded me to always “trust my gut.” Simple right? We’ve all heard that before. Trust your instincts. Listen to your inner voice. I assure you, it is easier said than done. At least for me. I have a lot of inner voices. Which one is the right one?

Since then I have noticed a strange pattern in my decisions. It turns out that the decisions I made in an instant, the ones I didn’t agonize over, have turned out to be the best ones. When I moved across the country to start a new job, when I left a horrible relationship that lasted 10 years too long, when I decided to go home with that cute guy from the bar (now my husband), when I decided I absolutely needed to bring home a puppy. I never gave a second thought to any of these decisions, I just said “yes.”

Fast forward to today and I have been agonizing over leaving the job I’m at now for the past 3 years. What does that say? I guess I’m still trying to figure it out. I suppose that’s what sayings like, “get out of your own way” mean. That all those voices in your head are just a distraction and when you can learn to shut them all up, that’s when the good stuff happens.

Don’t Go Back to Sleep

Don’t Go Back to Sleep
– Rumi

For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.
From within, I couldn’t decide what to do.
Unable to see, I heard my name being called.
Then I walked outside.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the door sill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.

Forever

Connie is my best friend. She’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Yet I couldn’t tell you off the top of my head how many years it’s been. I can tell you it’s been since the 4th grade. I can tell you I knew her before I met her. Months before my mom moved us to the new town. I dreamed of a girl with no face. A girl I knew would be waiting for me in this new place. A girl I had known forever, before I’d ever laid eyes on her. Maybe that’s why I don’t remember the beginning of our friendship, because it had already started before we met.

So I don’t know of any one day to commemorate the start. Not like a birthday or an anniversary. There is no Happy Best Friend Day, although there definitely should be. I couldn’t even tell you how long we’ve been friends without counting backwards on my fingers. Course, I don’t think I have enough fingers or toes to count the years.

My point is, there isn’t an annual celebration for something that has been the most important thing throughout my life. My one constant, the one thing I’ve always trusted, the one thing I know to be true. And there is no special day on the calendar? No hallmark card, no cake?

Maybe for something so certain, no dates are required, no reminder to be thankful, no need to celebrate. I think of her every day, I know she thinks of me. Even though we live across the country from each other, even though our lives have taken different paths, nothing has changed between us. Maybe that’s what forever is really all about. Maybe forever means you don’t need to keep track.

Value of Homework

I haven’t written in a while. This is largely due the fact that I decided to go back to school. I thought the accelerated online track would be the way to go but it’s way more difficult than I thought it would be. Although there are online lectures, the learning is pretty much up to me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s exactly the way I like it, I love that I can do everything at my own pace (albeit a fast pace). But getting back into studying and doing homework after almost 20 years is a bit of an adjustment. When my husband is sitting on the deck having a beer after work and I wish I was sitting next to him, I’m at the kitchen table studying. Part of me just wants to say screw it, I mean do I really need to get an A? The answer of course is yes. Because I come from an overachieving family and I can feel them judging me from afar. That’s all in my head, but I’m ok with a little make-believe competition if it’s what I need to keep going. Shout out to my annoyingly brilliant and talented brothers, you are still making me try harder!

It’s been a month so far and I am slowly figuring out how I need to rearrange my time. During the week, I’ve cut out TV watching, which was surprisingly easy. I’ve cut out most of my recreational reading, not as easy, but I know the pile of books next to my bed isn’t going anywhere. Most recently though, and this is a hard one, I’ve realized I need to cut out my normal cooking routine. My normal cooking routine includes music, wine, my favorite knife, and a beautiful bamboo cutting board. I’m not saying I’m a master chef or anything but the act of chopping vegetables and the smell of onions sauteing in a pan is the equivalent of Valium for me, something I look forward to if I’m having a shitty day. There are other things too, the previously mentioned deck time with Brian, cuddling on the couch with my dog, sleeping that extra hour in the morning. It’s a lot of little things that I didn’t even realize were part of my routine.

None of this is the worst thing in the world. I still cook on the weekends, I still read fun books after I’m done reading about the wonders of budget analysis and schedule variance. I still get my Netflix fix on Sunday afternoon. But here’s the thing, the small seemingly insignificant sacrifices that I have made to make room for homework, has shined a giant spotlight on what is truly important to me. It’s shown me what I miss most, what I value most. What a gift. I realize this sounds incredibly simple, this should be common sense. Maybe I just need to feel something before it really hits home. Whatever the reason, I find myself looking forward to things I didn’t even know were a privilege and savoring every second. Turns out homework is teaching me way more than what is outlined in the curriculum.

On a side note, when I started this blog, my intention was to have a place so sort my thoughts, I didn’t actually think anyone would read it. I’m surprised every time I see a comment and grateful for everyone’s kind, thoughtful words. Take care all and have a fantastic day!

Is Change Really Inevitable?

I’ve been taking a lot of personality tests lately, mostly trying to find a way to make my workplace less stressful, less exhausting. I feel like I’m too old to whine about people not understanding me. But now instead of blaming it on them, I blame it on my circumstances. Since I am no longer in the position to pack up and move across the country when the mood strikes, I figure I better figure out a way to work with what I have. Here’s the thing, the results of these multiple tests don’t jive with how I see myself. And it’s thrown me for loop.

The results of every test I’ve taken show that I am controlling. That I like rules and order. Excuse me? I’m sorry test makers but that is not me. I’m the girl that pierced her face, got tattoos and died her hair every color of the rainbow. Sure I’m married now and have a house and a dog, a job with a significant amount of responsibility but that’s not me, that’s just my circumstances. Right? To say that I am confused is an understatement. To say that I’m disturbed is closer. Closer yet, panicked. Because honestly, I see no value in this type of personality. I don’t want to be the one that plans the party, I want to be the one that swoops in late wearing a fabulous vintage skirt and great sunglasses. I want to talk about the last place I travelled to and the poet I met in a used book store who is now my best friend. I don’t want to be the one who is thinking about how much money I should be putting into my 401k. And yet here I am. How did I get here?

I asked my husband if I am controlling and he looked at me if it was a trick question. Clearly I was stating the obvious. Ok, fine. I’m controlling. I like order and lists. Fine, I’ll embrace it, make it work for me. But it doesn’t feel comfortable. It doesn’t feel right to think of myself this way. I am almost 40 for God’s sake, shouldn’t I know what personality type I am by now? Have I been delusional my entire life, seeing myself as a creative, free spirit?

So I asked my mom. She has known me the longest after all. Turns out, I was a creative free spirit at one time. In my younger years, presumably before life stomped on my spirit one too many times. Instead of making me feel better, I’m not really delusional after all, I’m just sad. How did this happen? Where did the old me go? Is she dead? Can I get her back or is it too late? Or am I forever changed now and I have to find a way to live with what I’ve become?

Endless Winter

“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.”  -Hal Borland

A midwestern winter is hard to shake off. Even for those that enjoy it, snow in April is overkill. I read somewhere that winter is a season for recovery and preparation. I feel that way too, in the beginning, when the season starts to turn. When the days get a little shorter and the air crisp. It is a season that makes you want to stay home, make chicken soup and cuddle under a blanket with a book. And that’s great, for a minute. But life does go on. You still have to get up every day and go to work and walk the dog. You still have to do all those every day life things. Except now to do those things under a layer of snow and ice, with an unrelenting wind that chafes your skin and finds its way through every crack. It just seems to add a layer of struggle that can sometimes be the tipping point in an already overwhelmed life.

Don’t get me wrong, winter can be beautiful. Snow falling lightly is glitter in the air. Sunlight shimmers gold on tree branches after an ice storm. The trick is having the ability to hang on those singular moments, to let them sustain you until the end. It has never been that easy for me.  But every year, when I think I can’t take it anymore winter takes its leave and I breathe a sigh of relief at another winter won. And I am grateful for every second of bare feet in the grass and warm sun on my skin.

Baggage

I have to admit, writing has been a struggle lately. It’s not because I have nothing to write about. There are always thoughts banging around my brain. Maybe it’s timing, or more specifically lack of time. I don’t get a lot of alone time these days and with going back to school it’s even less. Is there such thing as negative time? That’s what it feels like. When I finally do get time to myself it takes me so long to get to a place where I’m able to enjoy it that before I know it, I’ve been staring at the wall for an hour, I haven’t done anything on my “alone time list,” and the house is full again. That could definitely be a factor.

There there’s the other part of the equation, unwanted thoughts. The thoughts that have been coming up are not anything I want to write about. They are not anything I even want in my head. In fact I’m sort of furious that they are even there. It’s all this stupid shit from when I was a kid that I should be over by now. Most of the people I know have been through what I have, divorce, step families, being rejected by your relatives in favor of your dad’s new family…ok so couple of my cousins did some inexcusable things to me when I was 14 but so what. I am sure there are a lot of people who have been through worse. My life is not that tragic. So why does it all still bother me?

I’ve been throwing around the idea of finding a therapist but I just feel like I already know what my issues are so what else is there to do but let it go? Besides, I have most amazing best friend in the world and she knows everything about me. I just don’t know what else a stranger (who I am paying to listen to me) would have to offer. I suppose there is something to be said about getting a professional opinion. I just don’t understand why this is all coming up now. Is it some sort of weird pre-mid life crisis? Is there such thing as a mid-life crisis anymore? I’m pretty sure I’ve had all kinds of life crises and I haven’t reached the midpoint yet.

Ah hell. Can’t I just shove it all back down where it came from and not think about it again? I already know the answer. I just don’t like it. It feels like all the thoughts are hanging on me, layering on top of each other, weighing me down, deflecting all the things I want for myself. Like a negative force field blocking my creativity. Like one of those giant foam sumo suits, every step is a struggle. At least I can still see the path, I just have to figure out how to get moving again.