I have to admit, writing has been a struggle lately. It’s not because I have nothing to write about. There are always thoughts banging around my brain. Maybe it’s timing, or more specifically lack of time. I don’t get a lot of alone time these days and with going back to school it’s even less. Is there such thing as negative time? That’s what it feels like. When I finally do get time to myself it takes me so long to get to a place where I’m able to enjoy it that before I know it, I’ve been staring at the wall for an hour, I haven’t done anything on my “alone time list,” and the house is full again. That could definitely be a factor.
There there’s the other part of the equation, unwanted thoughts. The thoughts that have been coming up are not anything I want to write about. They are not anything I even want in my head. In fact I’m sort of furious that they are even there. It’s all this stupid shit from when I was a kid that I should be over by now. Most of the people I know have been through what I have, divorce, step families, being rejected by your relatives in favor of your dad’s new family…ok so couple of my cousins did some inexcusable things to me when I was 14 but so what. I am sure there are a lot of people who have been through worse. My life is not that tragic. So why does it all still bother me?
I’ve been throwing around the idea of finding a therapist but I just feel like I already know what my issues are so what else is there to do but let it go? Besides, I have most amazing best friend in the world and she knows everything about me. I just don’t know what else a stranger (who I am paying to listen to me) would have to offer. I suppose there is something to be said about getting a professional opinion. I just don’t understand why this is all coming up now. Is it some sort of weird pre-mid life crisis? Is there such thing as a mid-life crisis anymore? I’m pretty sure I’ve had all kinds of life crises and I haven’t reached the midpoint yet.
Ah hell. Can’t I just shove it all back down where it came from and not think about it again? I already know the answer. I just don’t like it. It feels like all the thoughts are hanging on me, layering on top of each other, weighing me down, deflecting all the things I want for myself. Like a negative force field blocking my creativity. Like one of those giant foam sumo suits, every step is a struggle. At least I can still see the path, I just have to figure out how to get moving again.