I strive to be mindful. I work hard to be a compassionate, understanding person. I try to remember that in any given situation, it’s not about me, that I shouldn’t take things personally, that everyone has something going on in their life and deserves a break. Even if they are being a total dick.
I’m great with my friends and family. I’m good with the old lady holding up traffic. I’m terrible with myself and I understand the issue with that. I’m working on it, it’s a process. You don’t become the picture of peace and love overnight. But I wonder, does compassion and understanding run out? Do we start the day with a limited amount?
I know it’s with me when I wake up in the morning. I am always most happy in the morning. It’s a new day, a chance to do better than yesterday. I start out with the best of intentions as I am sure everyone does. But then I get to work. And one email, one phone call, can drain my compassion tank in a matter of seconds.
If it is true that compassion is a limited resource, than perhaps the practice of meditation is a tool that can be used to preserve the precious levels of compassion we have and help spread it out throughout the day. I’ve read that practicing gratitude has similar effects. You notice how the word “practice” is involved in all these miracle cures? Yes practice. Because that that shit is hard. The catch is, it’s not hard around family or friends, or on vacation, or out to eat at your favorite restaurant or shopping. It’s hard when you’re forced to be around people you would never choose to be around, primarily the workplace.
I know there are people who love their job. I’ve experienced it myself. Sadly that is no longer the case for me and I am struggling. The struggle is that I love my job but despise the people I work with. And it’s not even that I despise the people as much as I despise their work ethic and inability to be accountable, to care about the work. Also some people are just assholes. On purpose. Without going into detail about my daily frustrations, I can sum it up in one thought, I don’t fit in. And I’m not quite sure how to deal with that. How do I keep a job I love and find compassion for the very people who push me to my breaking point everyday. How do I go home and not spread that toxic frustration around my home? That’s the struggle.
I’m sure there are people out there who appear to have infinite patience and compassion. I’m sure there are people out there that find joy in everything. I am not one of those people. I need all the help I can get. Come on Universe, cut a girl some slack!