Category: Thought for Today

I think at some point everyone questions whether or not they are making the right decisions in life. And I don’t mean whether or not to go blonde or buy that purse that costs more than it should. I mean the big life decisions. Whether or not to buy a house, have a baby, get married, move to another state, start a new job. Decisions that literally change your life. How can you not agonize over these things? Actually, no I take that back. I know people who don’t worry about any of these things. They decided long ago how their life was going to go and they just follow that path without question. I envy them. I’m an over-thinker. I’ve probably mentioned that a time or two. My over-thinking problem actually affects the flow of my life from time to time. I wonder if over-thinking can be considered an addiction or a disease. If so, can someone please come up with a medication for that? Preferably not one with that long list of possible side effects that end every drug commercial. Oh wait, there is something already, it’s called wine.

When I was in my twenties I had an amazing friend who was a bit older than me and much wiser. She would always laugh at the madness I wrought upon myself when I was struggling to figure out my next step in life. She reminded me to always “trust my gut.” Simple right? We’ve all heard that before. Trust your instincts. Listen to your inner voice. I assure you, it is easier said than done. At least for me. I have a lot of inner voices. Which one is the right one?

Since then I have noticed a strange pattern in my decisions. It turns out that the decisions I made in an instant, the ones I didn’t agonize over, have turned out to be the best ones. When I moved across the country to start a new job, when I left a horrible relationship that lasted 10 years too long, when I decided to go home with that cute guy from the bar (now my husband), when I decided I absolutely needed to bring home a puppy. I never gave a second thought to any of these decisions, I just said “yes.”

Fast forward to today and I have been agonizing over leaving the job I’m at now for the past 3 years. What does that say? I guess I’m still trying to figure it out. I suppose that’s what sayings like, “get out of your own way” mean. That all those voices in your head are just a distraction and when you can learn to shut them all up, that’s when the good stuff happens.

Connie is my best friend. She’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Yet I couldn’t tell you off the top of my head how many years it’s been. I can tell you it’s been since the 4th grade. I can tell you I knew her before I met her. Months before my mom moved us to the new town. I dreamed of a girl with no face. A girl I knew would be waiting for me in this new place. A girl I had known forever, before I’d ever laid eyes on her. Maybe that’s why I don’t remember the beginning of our friendship, because it had already started before we met.

So I don’t know of any one day to commemorate the start. Not like a birthday or an anniversary. There is no Happy Best Friend Day, although there definitely should be. I couldn’t even tell you how long we’ve been friends without counting backwards on my fingers. Course, I don’t think I have enough fingers or toes to count the years.

My point is, there isn’t an annual celebration for something that has been the most important thing throughout my life. My one constant, the one thing I’ve always trusted, the one thing I know to be true. And there is no special day on the calendar? No hallmark card, no cake?

Maybe for something so certain, no dates are required, no reminder to be thankful, no need to celebrate. I think of her every day, I know she thinks of me. Even though we live across the country from each other, even though our lives have taken different paths, nothing has changed between us. Maybe that’s what forever is really all about. Maybe forever means you don’t need to keep track.

I haven’t written in a while. This is largely due the fact that I decided to go back to school. I thought the accelerated online track would be the way to go but it’s way more difficult than I thought it would be. Although there are online lectures, the learning is pretty much up to me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s exactly the way I like it, I love that I can do everything at my own pace (albeit a fast pace). But getting back into studying and doing homework after almost 20 years is a bit of an adjustment. When my husband is sitting on the deck having a beer after work and I wish I was sitting next to him, I’m at the kitchen table studying. Part of me just wants to say screw it, I mean do I really need to get an A? The answer of course is yes. Because I come from an overachieving family and I can feel them judging me from afar. That’s all in my head, but I’m ok with a little make-believe competition if it’s what I need to keep going. Shout out to my annoyingly brilliant and talented brothers, you are still making me try harder!

It’s been a month so far and I am slowly figuring out how I need to rearrange my time. During the week, I’ve cut out TV watching, which was surprisingly easy. I’ve cut out most of my recreational reading, not as easy, but I know the pile of books next to my bed isn’t going anywhere. Most recently though, and this is a hard one, I’ve realized I need to cut out my normal cooking routine. My normal cooking routine includes music, wine, my favorite knife, and a beautiful bamboo cutting board. I’m not saying I’m a master chef or anything but the act of chopping vegetables and the smell of onions sauteing in a pan is the equivalent of Valium for me, something I look forward to if I’m having a shitty day. There are other things too, the previously mentioned deck time with Brian, cuddling on the couch with my dog, sleeping that extra hour in the morning. It’s a lot of little things that I didn’t even realize were part of my routine.

None of this is the worst thing in the world. I still cook on the weekends, I still read fun books after I’m done reading about the wonders of budget analysis and schedule variance. I still get my Netflix fix on Sunday afternoon. But here’s the thing, the small seemingly insignificant sacrifices that I have made to make room for homework, has shined a giant spotlight on what is truly important to me. It’s shown me what I miss most, what I value most. What a gift. I realize this sounds incredibly simple, this should be common sense. Maybe I just need to feel something before it really hits home. Whatever the reason, I find myself looking forward to things I didn’t even know were a privilege and savoring every second. Turns out homework is teaching me way more than what is outlined in the curriculum.

On a side note, when I started this blog, my intention was to have a place so sort my thoughts, I didn’t actually think anyone would read it. I’m surprised every time I see a comment and grateful for everyone’s kind, thoughtful words. Take care all and have a fantastic day!

I’ve been taking a lot of personality tests lately, mostly trying to find a way to make my workplace less stressful, less exhausting. I feel like I’m too old to whine about people not understanding me. But now instead of blaming it on them, I blame it on my circumstances. Since I am no longer in the position to pack up and move across the country when the mood strikes, I figure I better figure out a way to work with what I have. Here’s the thing, the results of these multiple tests don’t jive with how I see myself. And it’s thrown me for loop.

The results of every test I’ve taken show that I am controlling. That I like rules and order. Excuse me? I’m sorry test makers but that is not me. I’m the girl that pierced her face, got tattoos and died her hair every color of the rainbow. Sure I’m married now and have a house and a dog, a job with a significant amount of responsibility but that’s not me, that’s just my circumstances. Right? To say that I am confused is an understatement. To say that I’m disturbed is closer. Closer yet, panicked. Because honestly, I see no value in this type of personality. I don’t want to be the one that plans the party, I want to be the one that swoops in late wearing a fabulous vintage skirt and great sunglasses. I want to talk about the last place I travelled to and the poet I met in a used book store who is now my best friend. I don’t want to be the one who is thinking about how much money I should be putting into my 401k. And yet here I am. How did I get here?

I asked my husband if I am controlling and he looked at me if it was a trick question. Clearly I was stating the obvious. Ok, fine. I’m controlling. I like order and lists. Fine, I’ll embrace it, make it work for me. But it doesn’t feel comfortable. It doesn’t feel right to think of myself this way. I am almost 40 for God’s sake, shouldn’t I know what personality type I am by now? Have I been delusional my entire life, seeing myself as a creative, free spirit?

So I asked my mom. She has known me the longest after all. Turns out, I was a creative free spirit at one time. In my younger years, presumably before life stomped on my spirit one too many times. Instead of making me feel better, I’m not really delusional after all, I’m just sad. How did this happen? Where did the old me go? Is she dead? Can I get her back or is it too late? Or am I forever changed now and I have to find a way to live with what I’ve become?

“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.”  -Hal Borland

A midwestern winter is hard to shake off. Even for those that enjoy it, snow in April is overkill. I read somewhere that winter is a season for recovery and preparation. I feel that way too, in the beginning, when the season starts to turn. When the days get a little shorter and the air crisp. It is a season that makes you want to stay home, make chicken soup and cuddle under a blanket with a book. And that’s great, for a minute. But life does go on. You still have to get up every day and go to work and walk the dog. You still have to do all those every day life things. Except now to do those things under a layer of snow and ice, with an unrelenting wind that chafes your skin and finds its way through every crack. It just seems to add a layer of struggle that can sometimes be the tipping point in an already overwhelmed life.

Don’t get me wrong, winter can be beautiful. Snow falling lightly is glitter in the air. Sunlight shimmers gold on tree branches after an ice storm. The trick is having the ability to hang on those singular moments, to let them sustain you until the end. It has never been that easy for me.  But every year, when I think I can’t take it anymore winter takes its leave and I breathe a sigh of relief at another winter won. And I am grateful for every second of bare feet in the grass and warm sun on my skin.

I have to admit, writing has been a struggle lately. It’s not because I have nothing to write about. There are always thoughts banging around my brain. Maybe it’s timing, or more specifically lack of time. I don’t get a lot of alone time these days and with going back to school it’s even less. Is there such thing as negative time? That’s what it feels like. When I finally do get time to myself it takes me so long to get to a place where I’m able to enjoy it that before I know it, I’ve been staring at the wall for an hour, I haven’t done anything on my “alone time list,” and the house is full again. That could definitely be a factor.

There there’s the other part of the equation, unwanted thoughts. The thoughts that have been coming up are not anything I want to write about. They are not anything I even want in my head. In fact I’m sort of furious that they are even there. It’s all this stupid shit from when I was a kid that I should be over by now. Most of the people I know have been through what I have, divorce, step families, being rejected by your relatives in favor of your dad’s new family…ok so couple of my cousins did some inexcusable things to me when I was 14 but so what. I am sure there are a lot of people who have been through worse. My life is not that tragic. So why does it all still bother me?

I’ve been throwing around the idea of finding a therapist but I just feel like I already know what my issues are so what else is there to do but let it go? Besides, I have most amazing best friend in the world and she knows everything about me. I just don’t know what else a stranger (who I am paying to listen to me) would have to offer. I suppose there is something to be said about getting a professional opinion. I just don’t understand why this is all coming up now. Is it some sort of weird pre-mid life crisis? Is there such thing as a mid-life crisis anymore? I’m pretty sure I’ve had all kinds of life crises and I haven’t reached the midpoint yet.

Ah hell. Can’t I just shove it all back down where it came from and not think about it again? I already know the answer. I just don’t like it. It feels like all the thoughts are hanging on me, layering on top of each other, weighing me down, deflecting all the things I want for myself. Like a negative force field blocking my creativity. Like one of those giant foam sumo suits, every step is a struggle. At least I can still see the path, I just have to figure out how to get moving again.

There is an ongoing conversation at my house that starts with, “Why can’t I get my shit together?” Now I don’t know from the outside looking in that anyone would think I don’t have my shit together. I go to work, pay my bills, walk the dog, cook real food, clean my house (not as well as I might like to, but I do), vote. So yeah, by today’s standards I am probably pretty on top of it. The problem is I don’t feel like that on the inside. During that 15 minutes of quiet time I spend with exactly two cups of coffee in the morning, as I go through the never-ending to-do list that is my life, “What can I get done today?” And then I panic. Because I know the answer is probably going to be, “Nothing.” At least nothing that I want to get done, nothing that I feel I need to get done.

It’s as if my life has become a continuing reaction to whatever the Universe throws my way. I’m not OK with that. I would like a say in how my day goes. I’m not saying I believe I can control the Universe. I’m just saying it would nice to have a routine. I would like to be able to say, today I’m going to go to work and accomplish something. Then I am going to come home and I’m going to practice that yoga routine I keep thinking about and cook something really health and only eat one serving. Then I’m going to take that bath I’ve been talking about for 6 months with a glass of wine. Then I’m going to read a chapter in one of the 6 books I’ve started and not finished and get 8 hours of sleep. Sounds so easy. So why don’t I?

Because work stinks and I end up dealing with other people’s work all day while mine piles up. Then I get home and remember my dog needs a walk. Then I look at my closet and think, I should probably at least do a load of laundry. And I cook two meals because my husband doesn’t like tofu. Then I realize we are out of coffee so I need to run to the grocery store. Then I make the mistake of sitting down with my phone and start scrolling through Instagram or Pinterest and before I know it’s 10:00PM and I’ve done none of those things I wanted to do. Again.

The thing is, I love walking my dog. I love cooking for my husband. I love scrolling through Instagram and Pinterest at the end of the day because it’s relaxing. So what’s the problem? Why do I feel like I’m not doing what I should be doing? Why am I so hard on myself?

Maybe life isn’t about getting the to-do list done and that all those people on Facebook and Instagram are just full of shit if they say they are. I can’t blame the Facebook folks for putting their best face (selfie?) forward. No one wants to air their dirty laundry online for complete strangers to judge. But isn’t that the risk of putting yourself out there to begin with? There is something that just feels inherently dishonest about most of what I’ve seen. Maybe it’s about what the poster gets out of it. Do they feel better about themselves when they look at their page full of picture perfect lives; brilliant children and perfect relationships all in the most favorable filter? Hey why not? What is a “like” if not instant gratification? I guess I’m just looking for a more genuine existence.Sadly it seems in the online world, being genuine is punishable by comment.

Maybe we all need to remember that real life can’t be Photoshopped. That’s it’s OK to grab a pizza when you don’t feel like cooking. That it’s OK if the dog leaves footprints on the kitchen floor. It’s OK if we don’t get the dishes done or let the laundry pile up. Maybe we need to remember that in the over-worked, over-stimulated world we live in, putting all that aside to take that bath or read that book is necessary. Maybe most importantly of all, it doesn’t matter what the invisible online commentators think, no one should base their lives or happiness on the unsolicited opinion of a stranger.

I strive to be mindful. I work hard to be a compassionate, understanding person. I try to remember that in any given situation, it’s not about me, that I shouldn’t take things personally, that everyone has something going on in their life and deserves a break. Even if they are being a total dick.

I’m great with my friends and family. I’m good with the old lady holding up traffic. I’m terrible with myself and I understand the issue with that. I’m working on it, it’s a process. You don’t become the picture of peace and love overnight. But I wonder, does compassion and understanding run out? Do we start the day with a limited amount?

I know it’s with me when I wake up in the morning. I am always most happy in the morning. It’s a new day, a chance to do better than yesterday. I start out with the best of intentions as I am sure everyone does. But then I get to work. And one email, one phone call, can drain my compassion tank in a matter of seconds.

If it is true that compassion is a limited resource, than perhaps the practice of meditation is a tool that can be used to preserve the precious levels of compassion we have and help spread it out throughout the day.  I’ve read that practicing gratitude has similar effects. You notice how the word “practice” is involved in all these miracle cures? Yes practice. Because that that shit is hard. The catch is, it’s not hard around family or friends, or on vacation, or out to eat at your favorite restaurant or shopping. It’s hard when you’re forced to be around people you would never choose to be around, primarily the workplace.

I know there are people who love their job. I’ve experienced it myself. Sadly that is no longer the case for me and I am struggling. The struggle is that I love my job but despise the people I work with. And it’s not even that I despise the people as much as I despise their work ethic and inability to be accountable, to care about the work. Also some people are just assholes. On purpose. Without going into detail about my daily frustrations, I can sum it up in one thought, I don’t fit in. And I’m not quite sure how to deal with that. How do I keep a job I love and find compassion for the very people who push me to my breaking point everyday. How do I go home and not spread that toxic frustration around my home? That’s the struggle.

I’m sure there are people out there who appear to have infinite patience and compassion. I’m sure there are people out there that find joy in everything. I am not one of those people. I need all the help I can get. Come on Universe, cut a girl some slack!

I love football. I love my team to which I am forever loyal. There are no fair weather fans in my house and I’m pretty sure football is in my genes. All of that aside, it’s still not hard to look at the industry and be amazed that the amount of money that goes into a game. I’m not even talking about player salaries. Yes, they make a lot of money to play a game. But those guys put their bodies on the line and risk permanent injury to play that game.

I am talking about the business side of the game. How much money goes into the game itself, the tickets, the merchandise, security at the stadium, all the vendors who sell the food and beer, the staff that cleans and maintain the stadiums, the people that keep the parking lots on order.The amount of money that goes into sports gambling is enormous. The online sports gambling sites alone are billion dollar companies. Then there are the analysts, the commentators, the people on the fields with microphones. After all that we haven’t even touched the real money makers, the NFL itself. I read somewhere that the NFL signed a $400 million dollar contract with Microsoft so that everyone on the sidelines would use a Surface tablet. And don’t forget the television networks, the cost of airing the games, or buying those cable and satellite packages. Billions of dollars. For a game. Amazing.

Let’s just say for a second that instead of football, or baseball, or basketball, the teams we cheered for and spent money on were teams of scientists looking for a cure for cancer or finding a clean energy source. Or maybe they would be teams of people trying to help the homeless or pay college tuition or fight to save the rain forests or coral reefs.

I’m not an extremist by any means, I’ve never picketed or protested, I don’t have a “save the whales” t-shirt. Although a part of me wishes I was. My point is, we spend a lot of money on a game. What if we spent it something that lasted longer than a couple hours?

I haven’t written here in a while. I guess I am not sure what I should write. I started a blog because I have thoughts. So. Many. Thoughts. Just ask my husband, this morning I talked for a solid twenty minutes about the obvious inability of the snow plow drivers to think for themselves otherwise our road would’ve been plowed a week ago. He’s such a great listener and for that I am lucky. But I don’t want to take advantage. I don’t want him or anyone else to ever think, “God, just shut up for once.” So why not start a blog right? Everyone’s doing it! So I did too. But where do you go from here?

As with most things I probably just read too much into things. After all this is anonymous right? There is no way anyone is going to actually read it right? Now I have comments on my page and I have to say, I’m absolutely unprepared. When pondering a possible direction for this site my ever faithful listener said something brilliant, “Why don’t you just write whatever comes to your mind? Who care what anyone thinks?” Aha! Why didn’t I think of that?

I thought about that on the way to work this morning, writing whatever comes to my mind. It sounds easy enough. As I mentioned, there are always thoughts. I think my struggle is that my happiest, most energetic, creative moments are in the morning. Morning is totally my thing. I got to bed early just so I can get up early, before the sun, before the rest of the world. But right at the moment I am able to pull those thoughts together into something coherent, something worth writing down, I have to get in my car and to go work. And just to be clear, I hate my job. But that’s another topic for another day.

So the question is, as I’m sure with a million others, how do I make the time? How do I balance the creative with mundane? Better yet, how do I get more creative and less mundane? I have a stack of books next to my bed that are supposed to be helping with that. I have faith in the Universe though. I have a feeling the answer is standing just on this other side of the door. And maybe this blog is part of that answer. For that reason, I believe today is going to be a good day.