Category: Thought for Today

I’ve been reading so much the last few days about terrorists and terrorism I decided to see what exactly the definition of it is. Turns out no one can agree on any one definition. Most definitions include something about using violence or intimidation to advance a political agenda. Seems simple enough. But then I came across some articles about environmental groups who claim a “non violent” approach of destroying property to get their point across. Do they fall into the same category? They aren’t killing people after all. But couldn’t destruction be considered a method of intimidation to advance a political agenda? And what’s considered a political agenda these days? I doubt the true agendas are ever as simple as what is reported on the news.

There is one thing that seems to be a constant in every scenario that fits the description, hate. People aren’t born terrorists. What happens to a person to turn them into someone who is willing to indiscriminately murder thousands, millions, for their cause, die for their cause? How much hate must you have? What does that kind of hate do to a person?

I get it, people are afraid. But do the attacks in Paris really mean all Syrians are terrorists now? And that means we shouldn’t help them? We shouldn’t help human beings in need? Families whose lives are so terrible that they are willing to give up everything and risk their lives at a chance to escape? Because we’re afraid?

So now we hate Syrians. We hate Muslims. We hate. What if that’s the real agenda? What if the real agenda of terrorism is to turn us all against each other with fear and hate. Because terrorists just don’t live in a country across the ocean. They live here too. And Timothy McVeigh wasn’t born a terrorist either. But he had enough hate in him to fit the bill.

My annual work review happened to me today. I think this may be my first bad work review in my entire life. I was told I have a bad attitude. And not just that, but I have anger issues. And I should probably see someone about it.

I was not surprised. And I do not disagree with the assessment. I do have a terrible attitude at work. And I am angry a lot. But the thing is, that’s the not the whole story. And I suppose I could’ve spilled my guts to my boss but that’s not me. My coworkers are not my friends. I like them, I like working with them. But I don’t confide in them. At least not about the real stuff.

The thing is, I feel completely trapped by Life. Like I am on the ground and Life is standing on me with its big heavy boots. Like I can’t breathe, like I don’t have a second of space to notice the leaves changing. Memories from years ago are reemerging, feeling like they just happened. Emotions are so close the surface it hurts when someone touches me. Raw. I don’t know why I feel this way, I just know it needs to stop.

How do you explain that to your boss?

I didn’t of course. I just said I was sorry and I would try harder.

This weekend will be our one year wedding anniversary. I can’t say I feel like much has changed in our relationship post rings. The only notable difference is my own attitude towards our relationship. I do feel there is stability now that is comforting. And although the permanence of anything is a bit terrifying to me, that fear dissipates a little every day. I enjoy the partners in crime aspect, having someone that is forever on your side.

The thing that has always turned me off about marriage is the legal aspect of it all. The license. Why do I need to pay the government for a piece of paper that says I have the right to pledge myself to someone? There is so much controversy about the legalization of gay marriage – which seems weird to even write – marriage isn’t something that should be up for legal debate, something that some unknown person in some far away place has the right to decide for me, it’s about love, right? Or at least in our culture. I get why there needs to be paperwork. The merging of assets, insurance, property. I get that. But that legal document has nothing to do with the ceremony of it, the agreement to love and honor, to be someone’s partner in crime, their biggest fan. For those who are against gay marriage for religious reasons, so be it, we’re all entitled to our beliefs. But please keep your hatred to yourself. And don’t for a second think that God has anything to do with the paperwork.

I wish someone would give me permission not care about work. To do a crappy job. To not follow through. To not worry about the aftermath of bad decisions. You know, like everyone else. Every morning when I realize it’s time to get in the shower, to start the morning routine that eventually ends with me walking through the doors of frustration and exhaustion,  I feel like I am putting on someone else’s life. And it doesn’t fit very well. In fact it’s tight and restricting, a size too small. How do I get out of this place? How do I find my life, my home? Where is it? The only thing I know for sure is it’s not here.

“I could make promises to myself and to other people and there would be all the time in the world to keep them. I could stay up all night and make mistakes, and none of them would count.” Joan Didion, Goodbye to All That

The saying “everything in moderation” does not count when it comes to time. Does anyone ever really have enough? I don’t know that I ever really thought about time as something I may run out of. There is always tomorrow. Always next year. I don’t know that at my age I can keep throwing those ideas around so carelessly. No one really knows if there will be a tomorrow or a next year. I suppose we all have a ticking clock. There is something that all of us our meant to do. That one thing that you have no regrets about when you’re time is up. How many of us actually do it? And how many of us spend our entire life going through the motions? Stuck in the hamster wheel of work and bills and laundry, just trying to make it to the weekend so you don’t have to wake up to an alarm for two whole days. Maybe the better question is how many people are ok with that?

Sometimes I wonder if my real problem is the thinking. But how can it be? How can going over things in your mind, hashing things out, finding answers to questions, be a bad thing? When you are up at 2:00AM and the thoughts circle your head at the speed of light and you couldn’t catch one if you tried so what’s the point? They say meditation is the key. They say if you can learn to quiet your mind you can change your life. I believe them. Part of me thinks I would miss it though. Just a little.