I’ve been taking a lot of personality tests lately, mostly trying to find a way to make my workplace less stressful, less exhausting. I feel like I’m too old to whine about people not understanding me. But now instead of blaming it on them, I blame it on my circumstances. Since I am no longer in the position to pack up and move across the country when the mood strikes, I figure I better figure out a way to work with what I have. Here’s the thing, the results of these multiple tests don’t jive with how I see myself. And it’s thrown me for loop.
The results of every test I’ve taken show that I am controlling. That I like rules and order. Excuse me? I’m sorry test makers but that is not me. I’m the girl that pierced her face, got tattoos and died her hair every color of the rainbow. Sure I’m married now and have a house and a dog, a job with a significant amount of responsibility but that’s not me, that’s just my circumstances. Right? To say that I am confused is an understatement. To say that I’m disturbed is closer. Closer yet, panicked. Because honestly, I see no value in this type of personality. I don’t want to be the one that plans the party, I want to be the one that swoops in late wearing a fabulous vintage skirt and great sunglasses. I want to talk about the last place I travelled to and the poet I met in a used book store who is now my best friend. I don’t want to be the one who is thinking about how much money I should be putting into my 401k. And yet here I am. How did I get here?
I asked my husband if I am controlling and he looked at me if it was a trick question. Clearly I was stating the obvious. Ok, fine. I’m controlling. I like order and lists. Fine, I’ll embrace it, make it work for me. But it doesn’t feel comfortable. It doesn’t feel right to think of myself this way. I am almost 40 for God’s sake, shouldn’t I know what personality type I am by now? Have I been delusional my entire life, seeing myself as a creative, free spirit?
So I asked my mom. She has known me the longest after all. Turns out, I was a creative free spirit at one time. In my younger years, presumably before life stomped on my spirit one too many times. Instead of making me feel better, I’m not really delusional after all, I’m just sad. How did this happen? Where did the old me go? Is she dead? Can I get her back or is it too late? Or am I forever changed now and I have to find a way to live with what I’ve become?