There is an ongoing conversation at my house that starts with, “Why can’t I get my shit together?” Now I don’t know from the outside looking in that anyone would think I don’t have my shit together. I go to work, pay my bills, walk the dog, cook real food, clean my house (not as well as I might like to, but I do), vote. So yeah, by today’s standards I am probably pretty on top of it. The problem is I don’t feel like that on the inside. During that 15 minutes of quiet time I spend with exactly two cups of coffee in the morning, as I go through the never-ending to-do list that is my life, “What can I get done today?” And then I panic. Because I know the answer is probably going to be, “Nothing.” At least nothing that I want to get done, nothing that I feel I need to get done.
It’s as if my life has become a continuing reaction to whatever the Universe throws my way. I’m not OK with that. I would like a say in how my day goes. I’m not saying I believe I can control the Universe. I’m just saying it would nice to have a routine. I would like to be able to say, today I’m going to go to work and accomplish something. Then I am going to come home and I’m going to practice that yoga routine I keep thinking about and cook something really health and only eat one serving. Then I’m going to take that bath I’ve been talking about for 6 months with a glass of wine. Then I’m going to read a chapter in one of the 6 books I’ve started and not finished and get 8 hours of sleep. Sounds so easy. So why don’t I?
Because work stinks and I end up dealing with other people’s work all day while mine piles up. Then I get home and remember my dog needs a walk. Then I look at my closet and think, I should probably at least do a load of laundry. And I cook two meals because my husband doesn’t like tofu. Then I realize we are out of coffee so I need to run to the grocery store. Then I make the mistake of sitting down with my phone and start scrolling through Instagram or Pinterest and before I know it’s 10:00PM and I’ve done none of those things I wanted to do. Again.
The thing is, I love walking my dog. I love cooking for my husband. I love scrolling through Instagram and Pinterest at the end of the day because it’s relaxing. So what’s the problem? Why do I feel like I’m not doing what I should be doing? Why am I so hard on myself?
Maybe life isn’t about getting the to-do list done and that all those people on Facebook and Instagram are just full of shit if they say they are. I can’t blame the Facebook folks for putting their best face (selfie?) forward. No one wants to air their dirty laundry online for complete strangers to judge. But isn’t that the risk of putting yourself out there to begin with? There is something that just feels inherently dishonest about most of what I’ve seen. Maybe it’s about what the poster gets out of it. Do they feel better about themselves when they look at their page full of picture perfect lives; brilliant children and perfect relationships all in the most favorable filter? Hey why not? What is a “like” if not instant gratification? I guess I’m just looking for a more genuine existence.Sadly it seems in the online world, being genuine is punishable by comment.
Maybe we all need to remember that real life can’t be Photoshopped. That’s it’s OK to grab a pizza when you don’t feel like cooking. That it’s OK if the dog leaves footprints on the kitchen floor. It’s OK if we don’t get the dishes done or let the laundry pile up. Maybe we need to remember that in the over-worked, over-stimulated world we live in, putting all that aside to take that bath or read that book is necessary. Maybe most importantly of all, it doesn’t matter what the invisible online commentators think, no one should base their lives or happiness on the unsolicited opinion of a stranger.